The 8 O'Clock Cat In... Am I Marriage Material?

Ah! You know, it’s shaping up to be a beautiful autumn evening… and all the more so with your company.





This is The 8 O’Clock Cat and, as usual, operating on CP time.


I was just re-vamping my Twitter account when I ran into the Coogster, Supastarrr, Mizz Minnie and KaraKelly online; such crazy fine ladies. You can see all of their blogs on my blogroll. As I understand it, two of them have been deleted (Supastarrr’s and KaraKelly’s). Speaking of which, KaraKelly owes me an e-mail.


So how’d you all enjoy your Fall so far? Me?


I was recently BANNED from a Black Woman Empowerment slash Interracial Relationship blog. I won’t mention the name of the particular blog (or blog host) in order to protect her identity and the integrity of her blog. However, I will say that she’s an older Black woman from the generation before ours. Man, I tell you—she gave me one of the most demeaning digital ear wringings I’ve ever received. Now…


--It was the only digital ear wringing I ever received but still …pretty demeaning. She left me with parting words though.


The host wanted me to go to “The Art of Manliness” site and silently listen to the conversation of “healthy men” and not the “fatherless masses of AA (African-American) males”. Men who are among my friends, associates, neighbors, or what have you. Of course, she was being facetious in telling me this. But you know what?


That’s what we’re going to do.


Each week, until the end of the year, I’m going to pick a topic from “The Art of Manliness” blog and post the perspectives of a young, dashing, brilliant, virile African-American man… instead of commenting directly on their site. I don’t know about you but I can’t wait to see how healthy men converse. This week’s theme is “Marriage Material” and so we’ll be talking about marriage.



In this theme, I’ll also be analyzing “No Wedding, No Womb” next week as well. I’m going to be doing something I haven’t seen anybody do yet. I’m going to both argue for and against “No Wedding, No Womb” in two separate posts. Where does it succeed? Where, not?


It’s not November yet, but we’re going to start “Marriage Material” tonight.



Making The Case For Marriage | The Art of Manliness


Here are two comments that are vehwy, vehwy interesting from “The Art of Manliness” blog. One comment argues for the institution of marriage in this day and age …the other, against.


This thought-provoking comment is arguing for the institution of marriage as we know it today:

There’s a lot of passion behind many of the views here, having been fueled with hugely-emotional experiences that left the individual elated or disillusioned or what have you.

I’m not saying that these experiences and accompanying feelings are all valid; far from it. The deepest woundings and healings come from marriage, because it is in marriage that we often let ourselves become most vulnerable. But we as humans have an incredibly difficult time some times seeing things without looking through the lens of emotion.

What you think about something directly correlates to how you feel about that thing.

If you seek negativity, you’ll have no problem finding it, wherever you look. In the institution of marriage, in men, in women.

Our world seems to thrive upon negativity. It seems the popular thing is to extract all the negativity that one can find from a situation and carry it with you, leaving the positive at the side as just being happenstance.

So we have a society in which negative thinking is the rule of the day. You can see it in pretty much every walk of life, but especially in developed countries, its seems. I think this is because things are going so much our way that we now have the luxury of thinking about all the adversity in our lives, completely overlooking the unbelievable amount of blessing that we are the recepients of that made us even able to complain in the first place.

We can complain, therefore we do. It’s stylish and in vogue to have this so-called 'realist' outlook. If one attempts to make a lifestyle out of looking for the positive, they are dismissed as living in their own world, or of not having the requisite 'real-life' experiences to see things in the dirty grey that everyone else does.

This whole mindset seems to have taken a particularly-strong hold on our view of the institute of marriage. Stand-up comedians can hardly make it through a routine without at least a stab at marriage. It’s, 'the old ball and chain'. I mean, how often do you hear good things about a marriage? It seems that those who would seek to continually find the positive in marriage, who strive daily to make it work, are dismissed by 'veterans in the field' as just being too green. They show with pride their battle scars to beat the band, warning the young bucks to flee before it’s too late; that really, all it takes is time, and then you too can and will become an embittered, out-for-yourself, venom-spitting individual who has chosen to make it their life’s work to make sure that marriage and relationships with the opposite gender is as miserable for others as it was for them. It’s not a matter of if, in their minds; it’s just a matter of when.

What you think about marriage is going to have a profound effect on how you feel about it. Do you think it’s some Hallmark-propogated social ritual? Good luck on finding a fulfilling one, mate. Do you think it’s just the grown-up equivalent of high school dating? Have fun trying not to go through marriages like Kleenex.
I challenge you to consider what your thoughts are on marriage, women (if you’re a man) and men (if you’re a woman). Consider the origins of your thoughts. Look back and see why you believe what you do, what experiences in your past have shaped your beliefs and opinions.

Go against the grain and think positive. It’s not just for hippies and that guy from Kelly’s Heroes. – Jinky Williams

This brow-raising comment? Against the institution of marriage today.

“Interesting, but I have to quibble. This article is utter, subjective and roaring tripe from the first syllable to the last smug percentage.

Either the author is looking for any brightness in his own clattering marriage to distract himself from the permanent horrors of the experience, or this article is an offering to his bride to soften her up for a rare shag.

To deal with his points blow by blow, marriage means:

1. Less and poorer sex.

Let’s face it, marriage vitiates sex. It takes one of the most transcendent human experiences and makes it dull. It is perhaps a cosier and more familiar experience, but passion and cosiness are contradictory states. Every ‘happily’ married man will spend the remainder of his life without the thrill and mystery of a new woman, and the ecstatic highs that are only possible with passion. He’ll spending a lifetime mounting her without the butterflies or shiver down his back, like a mountaineer permanently restricted to one ever-subsiding hill.

His only remaining highs will be the isolated births of his children or that guilty moment he finally cheats on her.

Marriage removes a man forever from the sublime and damns him to a soap opera.

2. Less money.

Marriage is a staggering waste of money. Absurd amounts of money are squandered on bedspreads, jewellery, or any other of her dainty pretensions. It cripples a man’s spending power with the burden of a huge new set of responsibilities and demands.

3. Far worse health.

…because a married man lets himself go. This may be laziness, but marriage habituates a man to laziness. When everything is expected and sure, nothing has to be worked for. Married men get fatter quicker, take less trouble over their appearances and suffer all the ugly consequences of reaching a plateau. It’s often seen that when a man retires, his life, mind and body will quickly wither. Similarly, when a man marries, he pays a terrible physical penalty for moving into a lower gear. On top of that, the extra responsibilities that come with having a wife and children compound ordinary stress in terrible ways. A single man who loses a job has to worry about looking after just one person.

4. A faker smile.

By the beginning of the second decade of marriage, all expressions of joy are hollow and false. A husband becomes so used to papering over his bleak lot with false smiles, he quite forgets the prompt for a genuine one – until that day he catches one suddenly blooming over his face at the thought of the girl in the coffee shop who smiled at him, like a violet at the end of a long winter.

An unmarried man means it when he smiles and has more to smile about. Contrast this with the frequent heartfelt smile of the man untrammelled by any nagging, stale lump of wife.

5. Marriage is far more miserable than you could possibly want or imagine.

Worse than miserable, marriage is flat and predictable. It is the mould of all routines and hurries life by in ever less cosy circles. Marriage is also the death of ambition. It’s commonly remarked that the bright careers of many young scientists are dimmed by marriage, and the bird who has found a mate has less to sing about.
To these let me add one other very compelling dimension.

6. Marriage is an inexcusable waste of time.

Besides the time haemorrhaged on her manias and ridiculous pursuits, a wife very often comes with a huge extended family her husband is obliged to perennially court. A wife makes it a duty for a man to waste precious time on vile tedious people he would never consider socialising with in any other walk of life.

Probably the best way to consider this question is to compare marriage with work. The man who signs a lifetime contract with the first job he likes is considered unambitious, unimaginative, mediocre, timid. Pursuing a similar course with a woman is no greater evidence of manhood.

In fact, marriage is the negation of manhood.

I predict for the author a morning, perhaps many years away, but already guaranteed, when he opens his eyes and ears next to the stinking carcass of his love and rues the years he’s lost in this blinkered, dreary, cramped and absurd little box – marriage.” – dominic charles

For a while, I was really looking forward to getting married.

Creating my family. Starting the legacy of a long line of K. Michel’s that’d insure my immortality in this world. I still like that, but it’s waning a bit. My lady-friend has lately had apprehensions about marriage as well; anxieties, really. Now, I’m starting to question whether marriage is something that’s for me. I hear that it’s not for everybody anyway, no? Right… my lady-friend. You don’t know about her.

I have a lady-friend who I converse with on so many things; we’re very close. We recently had lunch and “marriage” came up. See, she’s from Ghana and she told me how things work in her tradition. She says that in Ghana’s tradition, it’s customary for the groom to pay for the entire wedding himself. That’s when I do my trademark “Pfft!” and remark that she’s in America now. She insists that it doesn’t matter and the man still has to pay for the wedding. Obviously, this is just some kind of trick.

Last week I meet a man (he’s a bit older than us) who’s vying for entry into the program that I’m currently in. After I give him advice, we start talking about our futures. It was here that he tells me that he’s from Ghana and that he’s married as well. So here’s my chance to find out the truth about the lies my lady-friend wanted me to believe. I told him about what she said and this guy just smiles, nods his head approvingly and says …”she’s right!”

What!?! I say, “what do you mean ‘she’s right’? All of your money?”
“--Well, the woman can put in something if she wants to but yes… the man pays for the wedding.”

The thing that struck me the most was how content he was when he answered me. There wasn’t any disappointed slinging of the head, or exasperated sighs of marital castration. He was cool with it.

Then, it had me thinking that maybe all of the apprehensions men have about marriage, prior to getting married, will become nonexistent once we do get married. I’ve never seen a bachelor look that content. To be honest, it was scary. Maybe marriage is just one of those things that makes no sense unless you find yourself in one.

But, there are far more married, divorced and single older men warning me away from marriage. Don’t get it twisted, African-American men definitely talk about marriage.

“--You get married? Then forget about sex… it’s only when she wants to. Every night she has a headache. You tell her you have Tylenol? ‘No, it’s okay… I’ll just rest it off’.”

“Marriage?!? Whoa!”

“Not in this country. If you get married in this country, you’ll get eaten alive! In another country, it’s good.”

So who’s right? What do you think about "marriage"? What do women think about “marriage”? Does it still have a place in this ever-changing, modernizing world? Does the fact that the world is changing mean that we need “marriage” that much more? Talk to me.


This is The 8 O’Clock Cat saying, Jaz and ggspiritwrites… I see you two. New members to our blog family; I definitely want to extend a nice welcome. “No Wedding, No Womb” on Monday, too? I hope you can dig that.